Monday, May 9, 2011

Titanic 2: Better than the Original?

To answer that question in one word; yes.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Is The World Ending?

He was born in 1921. He owns a christian radio network. He says the world is ending. He's Harold Camping.

May 31st 2011 is the date you get to fly to heaven if you've been good Harold says. It's kind of like christmas. Only if you've been bad instead of coal you'll get to live through hell on earth until October 21st 2011. Then you get to see the end of the world!

This crazy old bastard's company was worth around 122 million dollars in 2007. According to Harold 200 million people will be raptured up to the gold streets of heaven. This is a much larger amount that the 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses believe will get to go. Their math is almost laughable.

Harold of course has a bunch of snake oil that proves his date is correct, even though he was already wrong once in 1994. He got better snake oil, so his date is now adjusted correctly. Read your bible so you don't burn forever. God bless.

Phil Jackson Quotes Richard Nixon in Press Conference

"As Richard Nixon says, You won't be able to kick this guy around anymore." Former Los Angeles Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said on Sunday during the press conference afer the Lakers' loss to the Dallas Mavericks on the Sunday.

Jackson was referring to the 35,000 dollar fine that the NBA gave him this morning. This will be tough for Phil Jackson to pay off, considering he only made 12,500,000 dollars during the 2009-2010 season.

It was the last game in Phil Jackson's NBA coaching career. He also said he "Didn't like the way Lamar or Andrew finished today."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Video Released

The Bin Laden videos were finally released today to the delight of Bin Laden fans across the globe.

The videos show Osama enjoying some television, and are definite proof that he is still alive. Many had suspected Tupac Shakur to be included in the video release but unfortunately the videos only featured Osama alive and well.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bored Females Excited For Televised Wedding

Females around the world, with absolutely nothing better to do, can barely contain their excitement for the Royal Wedding that will take place tomorrow.

However, according to a YouGov poll of British women, 86% of them said they do not envy Kate Middleton. 86%.


A pothead analyst from Southern California studied the results of the poll and concluded that 96% of the women surveyed lied.

If you would like to know more about the wedding you can purchase The Royal Wedding for Dummies.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Air Traffic Controllers Given Longer Naps by FAA

Air traffic controllers will now be allowed to take 9 minute naps the FAA said on Sunday. This is one minute longer than the previous nap times were for controllers.

"I'm really happy for the extra minute of napping." Said one controller as he tucked himself into his sleeping bag.

The FAA also announced that the controllers would now be given 8 ounces of apple juice and a small snack as well.

"These guys get really sleepy after staring at those green flashing screens for so long. It's about time we gave them a snack and longer naps!" Shouted Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood on Sunday before lifting off in a helicopter.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Miniature Golden Record Players with Horns Attached Given Out on Sunday

On Sunday evening miniature gold encrusted record players with horns attached, also called 'gramophones' by 'musicians,' were handed out to extremely wealthy individuals.

"I hope to get one of those little gold record players!" exclaimed one of the millionaires.

Only the wealthiest individuals, with enough money to purchase the miniature gold records, were in attendance to try and receive a grammy-o-phone.

"I've had these miniature gold records for years! But I need a miniature gold record player with a horn attached to play them!" Shouted a man from a red Ferrari.

The miniature gold record players can only be produced in small amounts. Every year wealthy celebrities line up at the giant shit show hoping to receive a grammy-o-phone. Many of the attendees already own ipods.

"I already own 87 ipods, but miniature gold record players with horns attached cost a lot more." Said Kanye West.

Hundreds of people tuned in to view the event on plastic boxes everywhere. Cheering for which musical artist or masterpiece they had spent most of their paycheck on.